Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
