I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize
