i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
i believe in u and ur pee
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