I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
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WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
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Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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