even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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