you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
