I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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