fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
