I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
