one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
