i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize