I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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