at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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