i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
