She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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