I think I won the penis lottery.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
