HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
