Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
