I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
