So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
