Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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