I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
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just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
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I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.