Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
