someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
