one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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