Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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