i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
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Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
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I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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