i don't plan on having that self control this summer
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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