put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
