I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
