Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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