the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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