she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
