we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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