a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
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