I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
