just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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