even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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