nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
