i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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