Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
