his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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