2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
i now understand why vodka
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The power of my boobs compel you
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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