he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
