smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Tornado booty call.. dedication
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
