You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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