bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
