'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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