mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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