My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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