yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
