fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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