Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We need to feng shui this bitch.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
