Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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