I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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