You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Even the bartender felt bad for me
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
This is classic penis vs brain.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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