He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
