I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
