He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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