I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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